Sarky Marky

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Stupid people having accidents in the UK

stupid_people_thumb[1]Stupid people in this world need some sort of protection. These are just some examples of what hospitals have to deal with each year.

    • Eating and drinking caused 42,000 casualties.

 

  • The harmless looking slipper caused 37,000 injuries to cretins.

 

 

  • That innocent looking flower make look safe, but that don’t stop them injury 3,500 a year.

 

 

  • Tissue paper injured over 1,500 people. Bet they were all teenagers wanking over a copy of Razzle.

 

 

  • Clothes pegs and BLU-TACK kill several people.

 

 

  • 14 people are seriously injured by mushrooms.

 

 

  • Eggs kill 17 idiots a year.

 

 

  • 95 hurt by wooden spoons.

 

 

  • 103 by frying pans.

 

 

  • 40 by cheese.

 

 

  • 398 people injured while falling off toilets. I know the feeling…stop straining so much is my advice.

 

 

  • 4,400 people are injured every year pulling on their trousers!

 

 

  • 6,585 accidents are caused by socks/tights.

 

 

  • Pyjamas cause 768 injuries a year.

 

 

  • Dressing gowns 691.

 

 

  • 12,170 people were injured by vegetables.

 

 

  • 520 ice cream related accidents each year.

 

 

  • Magazines inflict nearly 3,000 injuries.

 

 

  • Toothbrushes knobble 500 victims.

 

 

  • Cotton buds can claim an astonishing 880 victims.

 

 

  • Christmas tree lights kill 80 people a year (or in one month presumably).

 

 

  • The humble personal stereo kills 80 people a year.

 

 

  • Hardhats were involved in 214 home or leisure accidents.

 

 

  • Saucepans were involved in 262.

 

 

  • 67,000 people go to casualty departments every year because of accidents with packaging.

 

 

Remember that these fuckwitts are allowed to vote!

State funded porn… well almost

An inspired idea I have to admit, but sadly it was in Germany and even more sadder is that it didn’t quite work.

The unnamed man wanted the courts to give him a £1700 allowance every month so he could buy pornography and visit brothels to satisfy his “considerable sexual needs.”

He only went to court in the first place because the government refused to fly his girlfriend over from Thailand.

Great idea though.

World Class Wanker

Being called a world class wanker is something of an insult to most people, but not to Kaneel.

He’s broken the world masturbation record by having 36 orgasms in 24 hours, a “stunning feat of endurance and determination.”

Kaneel, so proud of himself says, “masturbation for me is a way of life. I’ve been training for this day since I was 13 years old and I’m happy with my performance today.”

One annoying twat of a girlfriend

Ebay is great for buying obscure things like old computers, memorabilia and er … girlfriends.

The following advert was on Ebay, for all of a few minutes. I don’t understand why, sounds like a genuine description to me.

One annoying twat of a girlfriend. WARNING GOODS ARE DEFECTIVE!!! Slightly overweight. Teeth are cold (they come with little yellow jackets). Boring as hell. More varied sexlife available from a bag of spuds. She will two tone any residence she is allow access to in samba and sickly yellow, symbolic of a effeminate mexican. Can’t/won’t/shouldn’t be allowed to cook (this may result in poisoning). Owner is forced to sell in order that he be able to gain access to the TV and stop the bitch watching poxy DIY programs despite not knowing which end of a paintbrush to hold. Buyer will collect and never ever return. Attempts at refunds or returns may result in actual bodily harm. Please please please bid now!!! Hopefully said girlfriend will make her own bloody way to buyer saving P&P.

The advert was placed in the “Everything Else: Household Appliances” section.

Police charge man over sex with traffic cone

A man caught performing an indecent act on a traffic cone has been charged by police.

The 33-year-old has been charged with breach of the peace after police received reports that the man was engaging in a sexual act with the cone at the bottom of Calton Hill on Tuesday night. Alarmed passers-by called police and said they had seen a man trying to have sex with a traffic cone.

Officers from Gayfield police station attended and found the 33-year-old committing the offence.

A police spokesman confirmed police had been called to an incident at Calton Road on Tuesday evening and said a report has been submitted to the procurator fiscal.

The area around Calton Hill has caused controversy in recent years after becoming notorious as a venue for open air sex.

Residents’ groups, councillors and health activists have joined calls for people to have more respect for the area.

Willy wonky scare

Sex toy giant Ann Summers is recalling 150,000 Rampant Rabbit vibrators — for fear randy women may do themselves a mischief.

The buzzing 7ins model features two attachments shaped like rabbits’ ears to enhance pleasure.

But a middle-aged customer was hopping mad after her £29.99 Rabbit went haywire at the crucial moment.

A latex covering on the base split and “sensual beads” that rattle up and down inside the shaft fell out.

The woman escaped injury. But the firm is calling in a batch of 150,000 Rampant Rabbits sold between May and September as a precaution.

Adverts in newspapers ask owners to return their vibrators for a free replacement. If all respond it will lose the firm £4.5 million.

Rampant Rabbits are the most popular vibrators among a million sold annually by Ann Summers — motto: “We’ve been keeping it up for 30 years, 1972-2002.”

Marketing boss Rebecca Franklin said: “There are hundreds of thousands in use. We think there is only a potential risk but we are taking no chances in such a sensitive area.”

Chief executive Jacqueline Gold said: “A failure may cause discomfort. Ann Summers is committed to product quality, safety and reliability.”

Man Kills ‘Demonic’ Child

George O’Hara stabbed his 8 year old son over 100 times because he believed the child was the devil incarnate. “I was walking with him, and he started to call me names – all kinds of names. I started to rough him up, then I started to cut him up.”

O’Hara, who comes from Philadelphia, was questioned by police while still wearing the clothes covered in the boy’s blood. O’Hara’s son, who was called Rory, had been brought to visit all the way from Baltimore by his mother.

“The guy was giving me problems. That is why I kill him. Sir, what if he really is the devil?” O’Hara asked the police. The police Detective then asked O’Hara specifically if he thought Rory, had been the devil and O’Hara replied “Yes.”

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