YAFS (Yet another Facebook scam) … allegedly

WARNING!

Facebook planning to start scanning your brain for private information through your computer monitor.

To stop this from happening, go to Kitchen -> Cabinets -> Upper Right Drawer -> then REMOVE the box that says ‘Aluminium Foil.’

Then wrap all foil around your head.

Share this to warn all your friends.

Sorry, I forgotten where I saw this originally ūüôĀ

Fundamentally Flawed: End of Year Special 2014

Blame it on a bizarre alignment of the planets, or Nibiru, or just plain boredom, but on December 30th 2014 Fundamentally Flawed reunited for a one-off* podcast special.

With Alex, Kat, my good self, Peter and later on a pissed up Jim, we discuss some of¬†the events of 2014 (thanks to Wikipedia’s exhaustive list of events and deaths)

WARNING! This contains video of me and my comedy accent.

* probably not.

It’s almost over. Sheesh.

A week late with this, but what the heck, publish and be damned.

It’s seems like the run up to Christmas has lasted an eternity! Being subjected to tinsel and shit since the end of September doesn’t help my mood and I’ve yet to see or hear of any compelling reason to cheer up about this time of the year. In fact, it’s probably got even worse this year, what with the advent of new ingenious ways of parting stupid people with their money, like¬†Black Friday, Cyber Monday and now Panic Saturday. Fucking marketing people have a lot to answer for!

But since someone in work did seriously ask me why I detest Christmas so much, I’ve had a good thinking session to see into my little dark soul for an answer to that question, as I’ve never been sincerely asked before and I’ve never really cared to be honest.

So Mark, think back, when was the last time you can remember being sincerely happy at Christmas? Not a bloody clue! Looking back at old photos in the family album is must have been 1983 or something, when I was 12.

The long journey to and from work gives me time to think, and so I think I’ve come up with a few reasons why I detest Christmas so much.

Mental Health

I’m a manic depressive, so Christmas is a hard time if I’m in the depressive spell but even being in the mania stage doesn’t really cheer me up. I used to drink through the week of Christmas so I’d have no recollection but I’m teetotal now that pleasure has been taken away from me now.

Family

I have many happy memories of Christmas as a child, sitting down with my family opening presents and stuffing our faces with food at dinner time before collapsing on the sofa and sleeping it all off.

But drifting off to sleep on public transport while going to work on Christmas Eve suddenly gave me a glimpse of why Christmas sucks to me.

By the¬†mid-80’s, my oldest brother got married and moved out. A few years later, my older brother moved out, and looking back I think it was these two events that destroyed Christmas to me. Yes we all met up at this time of year, but it wasn’t the same. Suddenly we were adults and despite my wish to grow old disgracefully and stay mentally young for as long as possible, the magic was gone. It was somewhat abated by my nieces and nephews growing up.

Advertising

This is getting stupid now.

John Lewis’ sentimental drivel about a bear and a penguin for the last two years, selling nothing¬†but a utopia of love and understanding at Christmas.

Many of the adverts these days¬†portray a Christmas that are alien to many of us normal folk who don’t have large living rooms with trees reaching to the ceiling with a ton of lights and tinsel and crap. In my mind, we’re being fed an aspiration of what our Christmas SHOULD be like, not the reality and yet people will fall of this shit and think ‚ÄúTHAT‚ÄôS WHAT WE MUST HAVE!”

Television

This hasn’t changed much since I was a child, still the same shit rolled out.

And what shitty films are they going to repeat this year? Wizard of fucking Oz again? The Great Escape surely?

The usual Christmas specials of shite programs (I’m looking at you Open All Hours remake!), TV list shows, top 50 shocking celebrity/TV/christmas moments of 2014.

Waste

Christmas makes travelling through town a pain in the ass, and when you work on the other side of the city, you have no choice but to go through it on public transport. But you don’t need to be on a bus to see this, just sit down in any city centre, and just watch and look around you. What do you see? People carry bags of stuff they can’t afford, for children who won’t be interested in it after a couple of weeks, and who’s spend the rest of the year paying the shit off just in time to go through the time shit next Christmas.

Goodwill to all mankind

While I agree with the sentiment, why should it be restricted to just one day in the year? Why can’t we behave like proper human being, and self-aware of those less fortunate in our communities?

Doesn’t it follow that it’s alright to be complete bastards to each other the rest of the year?

bah-humbug-and-sod-christmas-2

So bah humbug, Grinch, Scrooge and all those other names you can call me, fuck you, I don’t care. I can’t stand Christmas, the false fucking sentimentality of it all, the hard sell to get people to spend more money that they haven’t got.

I’m sure if Prince Albert and Queen Victoria could see what their idea of Christmas has become, they’d think bloody twice about introducing so many of the traditions¬†we take so much for granted these days.

But there is hope…

For me this year there was one thing that really made me smile in December. Myself and the wife were invited to a¬†celebrate St Lucia which a Swedish friend on December 13th this year. In a packed church we listened to two hours of wonderful singing by the local Swedish community, before tucking into saffron buns and gingerbread. Yummy ūüôā

Appendix

I emailed this to my dear friend Mrs N,¬†who isn’t as cynical as I am, and she said:

To counteract your arguments (which, incidentally, I find to be mainly very true and insightful!), the reasons that I do like Christmas are as follows:

  • For one month a year people, on the whole, are in better spirits and looking forward to well deserved breaks from work.
  • I have a little boy at home who still has the wonderful naivety that comes with being four years old and nearly wets himself at the mere mention of Santa.
  • The normally rather dull, streets of Exeter are filled with pretty fairy lights.
  • Our living room is a very colourful and festive room to relax in of an evening.
  • I get at least three days at home, without any pressure to leave the house for work/shopping/school/nursery during which I can enjoy the simple pleasures of life (playing with the kids, introducing Thomas to old, classic Christmas movies etc etc).
  • I can sod the diet and stuff my face without guilt

There goes another one

Photo by: Volkan Olmez

Looks like I’ve pressed the self-destruct button again and let another friendship go to shit again today, that’s the sixth¬†one in six¬†weeks. The other five friends I won’t miss that much, but this one… yes I think I will miss. Fuck!¬†Maybe I should have put up more of a fight.

Stress and depression should stop me being on the internet and making AND doing such stupid things.

So much for “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

Who needs critical thinking when it looks good?

I’ve seen this image posted by quite a few people on Facebook and tracing it back to its source, at the time of writing it’s been shared 211,669 times. Now have a read of what it says and I’ll join you after.

10258293_10202727956013590_1020716034407997998_n

Yeah! Bloody foreigners eh? Well no, because unlike¬†the 211,000+ lobotomised muppets who’ve shared this shite,¬†the first thing I did was reach for Google to find a) how much the Department for International Development budget is and b) what the UK GNI¬†(that’s Gross National Income) is.

So how¬†many billions do we give to other countries? Well, a¬†ten second Google search finds the 2014 Statistics on International Development relatively quickly and we can see how much those¬†foreigners are milking the UK taxpayers (that’s sarcasm!)

The UK has committed to¬†giving 0.7% of GNI ¬†as agreed by the United Nations in 1970, which will please¬†¬†the New World Order conspiracy morons.¬†But it’s also good news for¬†window lickers who read the Daily Mail or support UKIP as in 2005 the EU also agreed to 0.7% of GNI by 2013. Bloody EU, taking our sovereignty and… and… shit (that was sarcastic as well!)

So from this document we can see that the UK government gives ¬£11.4 billion to “other countries” and without any context whatsoever, it seems like a hell of a lot of money! Well that why we also look at the GNI of the UK because we know it’s only 0.7%.

Firstly GNI is Gross National Income and for 2013, the UK earned¬†¬£1,465,641,838,680… yes that’s one trillion pounds, or ¬£1,400 billion. Well gee, that poxy ¬£11.4 billion looks piss poor now doesn’t it, dare I say trivial. So how much does the UK¬†actually spend?¬†According the Public Expenditure Statistical Analyses 2014, a cure for even the worst insomnia, in 2014-2015 the UK will spend ¬£732 billion so in fact the johnny foreigners are pilfering 1.55% of UK government spending. The bastards (it’s sarcasm FFS!)

According to Wikipedia the average¬†salary in the UK is ¬£26,500, so it’s the equivalent of¬†Mr/Mrs average giving ¬£410 a year to help others. Like that’s going to fucking happen!

So after a few minutes research, you can see that the “billions” we give to “other countries” is poultry compared to government income and expenditure, but hey,¬†don’t let something like facts get in the way of good old fashioned British xenophobic bullshit. Why not ask the questions that need to be asked like, where does the other ¬£721 billion go?

I’m a¬†big believer in helping those less fortunate than myself, and karma and that is why I don’t give a flying fuck about donating ¬£11 billion to countries¬†who¬†need help in health, infrastructure, education, water¬†sanitation and humanitarian aid and you’re a sociopathic prick if you don’t see any positive reasons to do so.

Putting emotive phrases when referring to the elderly, homelessness, mental illness and the armed forces is there for just that, to spark a reaction. All those issues have been around for decades, and you think £11 billion will suddenly solve all those problems you listed?  You idiot.

So we’re back to 211,000+ people who have reposted this shit image. Learn some critical thinking. Learn to read before believing what anyone says ESPECIALLY on Facebook! Learn to fucking research. Then you can¬†make an informed decision on information rather than blindly follow those fuckers from UKIP or the Daily Mail.

Last word on the fucktard. FINALLY

fuck-you-mickey

So fucktard, you thought I’d let you get away with having the last word did you?¬†Not in this fucking life you don’t.

So my reaction to your refusal to remove me from your friends list was a surprise to you was it? Really? The two days of me asking you repeatedly didn’t ring any bells in your mind? Or me telling you to “fuck off” every night for a week? You’re either a liar or stupid. I suspect both, but being the poor hapless victim is what you’re best at isn’t it Tereza?

Did you think I was joking about it then? You thought I was just tormenting you for fun? That really I wanted to be your best buddy in your sick and twisted mind? You fucking fucktard.

Now, if you did what asked EIGHT FUCKING WEEKS AGO, and remember you said you had done it as you made a big song and fucking dance about it, I wouldn’t have to go to such lengths of being a complete cunt to you.

And if you didn’t say “nah” repeatedly when I asked you over the last TWO FUCKING WEEKS, this wouldn’t have happened either.

If you didn’t disturb me on my fucking holiday, about some fucking argument you and J were having, that was abso-FUCKING-lutely nothing to do with me, I wouldn’t have been so angry at you.

And then you have the nerve to turn around and say you didn’t realise how much this meant to me. HAHAHAHA! Bullshit!

Looks familiar doesn't it Tereza? Sure it's just a coincidence

Looks familiar doesn’t it Tereza? Sure it’s just a coincidence

You changed your mind because YOU saw YOUR name on this blog because I called you a racist fucktard. You selfish little fucker, the world just has to revolve around you doesn’t it?

And you wonder why you have so many relationship problems…. it’s never your fault is it? It’s always someone else’s fault. Poor little Tereza, so hard done by in life. GOOD! You fucking deserve it.

Make no fucking mistake about what I think of you, or rather how little I think of you. I can’t fucking stand the fucking sight of you.

Good riddance to you, you lying, two faced, lazy, selfish, backstabbing, manipulative little cunt. I truly hope you get EVERYTHING you deserve, and trust me, that’s not a compliment.

Edit: I got an email in April 2016 from someone asking who the fucktard is. Given that his¬†IP address was from Cleveland, Ohio, I¬†suspect it was her boyfriend, well boyfriend last time I spoke to the fucknut¬†anyway.¬†Strangely enough, I’ve not received a reply from¬†them.

World of Batshit – #3: Chemtrailer Trash

Part three in a series examining some of the most ridiculous claims. In this part, we look at chemtrails.

WWII Public Domain’s channel:
https://www.youtube.com/user/WWIIPublicDomain

Under Section 30 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, as amended, use of chemtard footage “for the purpose of criticism or review, of that or another work or of a performance of a work, does not infringe any copyright in the work provided that it is accompanied by a sufficient acknowledgement and provided that the work has been made available to the public.”

Melbourne Against Chemtrails March:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhDSdBUGcmQ

Jamnoise72’s channel:
https://www.youtube.com/user/jamnoise72

The squirt bottle warrior:
https://www.youtube.com/user/mrsquad11

Cider vinegar man’s channel:
https://www.youtube.com/user/LibranEsq

Dear WordPress hackers

To the hackers in Ukraine, Russia, Vietnam and China who are trying to hack my site… WHY?

I’m lucky to get 10 visitors a day, so I’m a little puzzled why you’d bother. I’m not sure what kudos you’ll get from the hacking fraternity by taking down this shitty web site, but thanks for noticing me.

P.S. As a WordPress developer, do you seriously think I’d have a user called admin as a user on this site? Or even as user ID 1? Or /wp-admin folder?

Good luck anyway.

Devon is a spooky hotspot. Really?

Yes I shit you not, this is front page news on This is Exeter. I know fuck all happens down here, but seriously.

“Nine cases [of vampires] have been spotted in the county over the last century – more than in Dracula’s homeland of Transylvania.”

So Romanian’s only reported seeing eight vampires, while nine Devonians should be locked up for their own protection. FFS.

It gets better though,

“A total of 211 cases were reported across Britain, many resulting in police investigations.”

*rubs eyes* Did I just read that? These 211 people, who we could do without on this planet, phone the emergency services and said “I’ve seen a vampire”‚Ķ and the police turned up. What the fucking fuck! “Arm yourself with garlic Bob, this could be a bad one.”

facepalm-single

Famed “expert” Reverend Lionel Fanthorpe, says “our research suggests that the UK harbours more vampires than Transylvania.” Might I venture the opinion that is shows that Romanians know vampires are fucking fiction and are less gullible that the UK?