Friday! Thought it would never get here

It’s been a long week, just seems to be have been a month long.

Doesn’t help working with a bunch of moronic halfwits and stroppy early-20’s type cretins.

This morning flew by since I was actually working for a change, adding new features to the web site. Then some temperamental ex-stoodent had a paddy attack when I dared point out that the bin was full of recyclable plastic. “Don’t put that crap on my desk” says junior followed by a overly dramatic storm out to fill his water bottle.

Just because the fucking agency hasn’t got back to him on time with a final, definitely final confirmation of his new job.

At the moment I can’t wait for the prick to leave. It’ll be a massive relief to have someone who doesn’t over think things through and isn’t anal in the extreme.

And that was after someone else went moody when discussion turned to the Christmas meal!

Thank fuck I’m me!

Toilets!

toiletThis email was circulated around my work today.

From: Someone
Sent: 18 September 2008 14:50
To: Some Bloke; Some Bloke; Some Bloke; Some Bloke; Some Bloke; Some Bloke
Cc: HR Woman
Subject: Toliet (sic)

Guys,

I just spent about 10 mins in the toilet cleaning someone’s shit off the pan… not a nice job! Which then in turn blocked the toilet up… which I had to flush around 5 times to get back to normal…

There aren’t many men in this main office and i know from time to time some workshop people come over as well so that’s the reason I’ve included you on the email…

I don’t care who it is, and i don’t wanna know… but can you just take next time you have an explosive one to make sure it’s clean and there isn’t loads of “pebble dashes” left in the pan and round the rim for the next person.

Sandra, i noticed that the ‘special’ toilet wipes are no longer in the gents, would it be possible to get some so it would be easier for people to clean up after themselves… toilet paper & water just doesn’t cut the mustard so to speak.

Erhhh!!

Thanks

Someone

P.S, the light and air fan have gone.. in there too so its constantly stinks, is there anything we can do about this?

Incredibly funny and absolutely genuine. You can’t make this shit up, no pun intended.

Swearing at Work memo

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She’s a fucking power-crazy bitch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of:
Fuck off arse-wipe

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a fuck.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my fucking problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead Of:
What the fuck?

9.
Try Saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No fucking chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He’s got his head up his fucking arse.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, fuck face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway.

What the bloody hell, Bruce?

In another of those wonderful rulings from the BACC, that’s the Broadcast Advertising Clearance Centre, an advert for the Australian Tourist Board has been altered because it contains the word “bloody” because it’s a “mild swear word” apparently.

So instead of the advert on TV saying “So where the bloody hell are you?”, it’s just plain “So where the hell are you?” It really doesn’t have the same impact does it.

I like what the Australians said in response:

“The regulators have clearly misplaced their sense of humour – and this from a country that brought us Benny Hill, the Two Ronnies and Little Britain.”

Someone should tell these Australians that a nation that allowed shite like “Benny Hill, the Two Ronnies and Little Britain” through the net and on to TV, shouldn’t be applauded.

Personality test

We were having a little lean spell in work today, so to entertain ourselves, the office decided to take three tests on I am Bored.

We had a little trouble explaining what a Chav was and that 42% is good compared to 51%.

Anyway, I took all four tests and here are the results.

11% Chav
23% Posh
75% Geek
80% Drunkard

Not bad 🙂

Hello? Menswear Please

debenhamsMy girlfriend and I moved house in November 2002. One of the many problems was a change of telephone exchange as we moved to the other side of the river, so we got a new phone number. The BT woman gave us a choice, and I just said give me a number with double numbers, so I can remember it quicker. Fine no problems, will take a 24 hours.

True to their word, for once, the phone line was set up the next day. Naturally I didn’t get a phone call from BT telling me that it was all done and dusted, oh no, what I did get was someone ringing up and asking “Hello, can I have menswear please?”. Huh!

Ok, that was signal the line was all ready, so I thought I’d ring around my family and friends to tell them the new landline number. I contacted my Mum and Dad, my brothers and my girlfriends parents and then I got another call, this time asking for kitchenware. I asked who they thought they were getting hold of and they said Debenhams. So they went away and must have dialled correctly so I ain’t heard from them since.

Two calls in a hour for Debenhams? Surely we can’t be that similar. I looked in the phone book and, what are the odds eh, our phone number was the same as the Debenhams in Exeter, but with two digits transposed.

The calls continued, “Hello Estee Laudee please” or “Jewellery please”. There was only so much I could take of this, and I sort of convinced my girlfriend not to change the number as I ain’t losing my broadband connection for another 10 days while BT engineers fuck around flicking switches at the exchange.

So for pure entertainment as I was unemployed when we first moved in, I got a section of Volker Tripp’s “Harm Me with Harmony” tune, and looped it. Right I was ready for them now 🙂

Me: “Hello is that Debenhams?”
Customer: “Yes Sir/Madam, I’ll just put you on hold”

Put the phone next to the speakers, double click the icon on my desktop, and the person at the other end of the phone gets a couple minutes of “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck reputation”.

Me: “Sorry Sir/Madam, would you call ba… oh they’ve hung up.”

Another was just to tell them that the store was closed and suggest a shop with clothes of similar quality… like Millets. Or I’d tell them that they sounded far too working class for Debenhams to be interested in their custom.

The calls have now stopped sadly.

10 Best things to happen to me. Okay, make it eight.

Getting a Speccy in 1983

Christmas is depressing to me at the best of times, but last Christmas was even worse. It was 20 years since I was given my first computer.

Like every other kid in the country, I looked for my presents in October-ish, and I found in the bottom of my brothers wardrobe a little black box on it, didn’t have a clue what it was or how shit it would make life in the future.

Seeing U2 at Wembley

I got two tickets for their Pop Mart tour but was really pissed at reading the reviews for the start of the tour. The reviews slammed U2 for not playing older material and stop-starting on their new stuff.

But when we went to see them, they were just out of this world. Sung so much and so loudly I couldn’t speak for a day or two after.

One thing that spoiled it was missing the last train back from Paddington station so I slept on the platform until the 8am one. Part from that, top day.

Discovering alcohol

I discovered alcohol when I was young, five years old. My brother had a bottle of Clan Dew whiskey in his wardrobe and not realising what it was, I drank what was left in a bottle. It was in winter 1976 and my mother had to call out the doctor because she was worried about what was wrong with me. God knows what went through my parents head when the doctor said I was pissed, but it’s become a story that comes out whenever my mother gets the chance.

I never lost the taste for alcohol from those small beginnings, but I never touched whiskey again for some reason.

First vector in assembler on the Amiga

A little sad I know, but I was chuffed to fuck when I saw my first vector spinning on all three axis, zooming in and out, and I should add that it was under 50fps as well. My first attempts were crap to say the least.

Now for those of you out there who’s saying “oh is that all”, you have to remember that at this time, there was no internet, BBS’s were not easy to get on and the only way you could learn to code was having a friend who learnt, some crappy coder tutorial disks that were invariably Seka only, resourcing other peoples demos or looking at the hardware reference library book.

We were in contact with fellow coders, someone from the Mighty Druids and Dan of Anarchy, who pointed us in the right direction with formulas and theory.

My girlfriend

As you can imagine, it take someone with particular qualities to live with me – patience, tolerance and more patience. Get the sick bag ready, here comes the mushy bit. When I first met Amanda (that’s my girlfriend in case you cared) I realised what love was – “Ah!” – not lust with my previous relationships. We’ve been together six years and I’m as happy now as I’ve ever been.

Discovering The Beatles

A seminal moment in my life that has turned into an obsession.

Leaving school

I hated school, hated the teachers, hated the studying, I hated every fucking last part of it. You couldn’t see me for dust when it finished. Always remember the drips going around school with autograph books and crying because they’d never see each other again. News for you, I couldn’t wait to leave the fuckers behind and get on with life.

The FA Cup Final in 1979

This was, in my opinion, the last classic FA Cup Final and I’m sure anyone who watched it (especially those fine Arsenal fans) won’t forget it either.

Arsenal were playing Manchester United on a blistering hot day, and Arsenal went 2-0 up. McIlroy decided to spoil the party a little by scoring twice in two minutes. It looked like a replay was almost certain until a low cross went past United keeper Gary Bailey and Alan Sunderland threw himself at the ball and knocked it in the back of the net.

What every young girl should know

This is, or rather was, a genuine web site based in Sweden which I saw a very very long time ago, but I pissed myself laughing so much I had to save it out. Once again, this is 100% genuine, I’ve not touched it or spell checked it. This is REAL advice a la Sweden.

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These “men” often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don’t need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them “love handles”?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

How big should a man be?

Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.

How long should a man last?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed one of these desirable “sixty second wonders.”

How do i know if I am having an orgasm?

The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he “leaves a little something on your plate.” When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come,” that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling,” then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

What is a multiple orgasm?

There is no such thing.

What about oral sex?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see the a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?)

What is afterplay?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are “GIB.” Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

What is impotence?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

How can I keep the mystery alive?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one.” Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair.

How can I meet real men?

When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a ‘local’ about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, “You’re cute, can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.