zero fucks given

Category: Humour (Page 4 of 15)

A conversation of our neighbours

A lovely sunny day, and just for a change, the neighbours across the way are arguing in the kitchen, which means the whole square can hear it.

Wife: Don’t tell me to shut up!
Husband: What?
Wife: DON’T tell ME to SHUT UP (emphasising every word)
Husband: Well don’t call me a cunt!

… pause …

Wife: (in deadpan voice) But you are a cunt!

Brazil 1 – Germany 7

Ok it’s 13 days after the event, but this match is so good and so hilarious to watch, I torrented it the next day and I’ve watched it four times now and it doesn’t stop getting any funnier.

After the fourth time, I thought it would be a giggle to post my favourite screen grabs.

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0-3

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0-4

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0-5

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Well it’s half time, how’s the Brazilian fans doing?

Not well I guess. Still, at least it can’t get any worse.

0-6

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0-7

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A little full time action

The most hilarious image for me…

brazil-v-germany-keep-praying

…David Luiz praying to his god. Why? Praying he’ll come down and magic the scores? Or praying you won’t get lynched outside the stadium for playing so badly?

Rea: Will set you on the England football team if they don’t play well!
Mark: I would waste my energy, just hope for the plane to fall out of the sky on the way back if they suck 🙂
Rea: Oh ok, just make the plane fall out the sky! Lol
Mark: haha yeah please fall out of the sky no matter what. Worked for Man United in Munich 😀
Rea: Lol harsh Mark lol

World of Tanks: Historical sounds mods

I was playing around with the OMC ModPack installer and thought historical sounds? Why not.

All was well and good, until one of the usual Saturday morning 3am sessions, when I was sitting quite happily on the hill in Murovanka, guarding the left hand side on an encounter battle, happily sitting in sniper mode picking off the lemmings as they come around the hill just down from the cap circle.

I was happy as a pig in shit. Until that is, there was a fucking huge blast in my ears. I threw my headphones off and rubbed my ears to get some sensation of hearing back.

A SU152 had pulled up right beside me and fired that big bastard gun.

04WOT_1680_1050_SU-152_engMental note to turn down the volume was made THAT night.

Builder’s update #1

Sure you remember the endless saga of builders outside our offices, well they’ve been gone a while now after filling in the trench along path.

So the council have decided the pedestrian/bicycle sign on the pavement was a little obscured. I think you’ll agree that the council workers have gone to extraordinary lengths to SEAMLESSLY fix the problem.

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One annoying twat of a girlfriend

Ebay is great for buying obscure things like old computers, memorabilia and er … girlfriends.

The following advert was on Ebay, for all of a few minutes. I don’t understand why, sounds like a genuine description to me.

One annoying twat of a girlfriend. WARNING GOODS ARE DEFECTIVE!!! Slightly overweight. Teeth are cold (they come with little yellow jackets). Boring as hell. More varied sexlife available from a bag of spuds. She will two tone any residence she is allow access to in samba and sickly yellow, symbolic of a effeminate Mexican. Can’t/won’t/shouldn’t be allowed to cook (this may result in poisoning). Owner is forced to sell in order that he be able to gain access to the TV and stop the bitch watching poxy DIY programs despite not knowing which end of a paintbrush to hold. Buyer will collect and never ever return. Attempts at refunds or returns may result in actual bodily harm. Please please please bid now!!! Hopefully said girlfriend will make her own bloody way to buyer saving P&P.

The advert was placed in the “Everything Else: Household Appliances” section.

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