The pond life known as ‘web designers’

Just having a conversation with a network administrator, and as he started to mock me as a web developer, I happened to mention that at least I’m not a web designer, they are after all, and I quote “lower the down the evolutionary ladder than an lobotomised amoeba.”

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Was I too harsh? Not a fucking bit.

I’m sure web designers are very good at sitting in front of Photoshop or Fireworks all day, dreaming up what passes for “design” with this week’s current trends.

Just don’t think you can interfere with the development process once your job is done.
That’s when I start to lose my temper, and any respect, if there was any to start with.

Web development is a pain in the arse at the best of times, but then having to deal with the convoluted HTML that some WYSIWYG editor has spat out with hundreds of tiny image because “it’s the best use of bandwidth” that some cock has ‘designed’ is really the icing on the cake.

If you want to know how to deflate these fuckers ego’s, just show them how their pride and joy web site, hot of the press, is going to look on a mobile device and ask them to fuck off back under the rock they came from and don’t come back until they’ve got a plan for it.

Web designers have ego’s? Hell yes. There’s an annoying trend at the moment for those designers who thing they’re the dog’s bollocks and are trend setters, not trend followers. This trend is to call themselves a “ninja” or “rockstar” designer. Really?

 

idiot-nerd-girl-meme-generator-uses-bgsould-blink-and-marquee-tags-i-m-a-web-designer-c741a7

To me, it’s like someone who can program in BASIC telling an assembler or C++ coder how to write a program.They have a simplistic view of development through the eyes of HTML and jQuery, which somehow entitles them to start telling me how to do PHP and MySQL.

No, you can fuck right off.

web-designers-vs-developers

Tales from a programmer. Or little things amuse the not so innocent

sleeping-work-cubicle-stressed-office

It’s all change in work at the moment and I’ve felt a little nostalgic about the web site and software I’ve helped write and maintain for nine and half years, so I was looking through some of these programs and noticed my comments and stuff in them, so I’ve collated the least libellous.

At it’s peak, I was in charge of five web sites, one intranet and as well as updating the call centre software. As any developer will tell you, it can be stressful job, it’s not all playing solitaire and Tetris. It’s especially stressful when:

  1. a new feature is asked for with ten minutes notice.
  2. fixing a long standing issue urgently even though it’s been fucked for years
  3. you give a trainee programmer a really simple task to do

So my of dealing with this aggravation has been to take it out in comments, variable names and functions.
/*
* We've come all this way and found bugger all, so let's flag up for the base page
*/

And when the postmen decided to go on strike, we had to write a workaround.
$result_check_whining_posties_are_on_strike = mysql_query("SELECT * FROM config WHERE config_key = 'post_strike_flag'");
And when the marketing department want something rewritten with a few minutes notice…
$result = mysql_query($marketing_pissing_around_again);

function another_fucking_marketing_hack($product_id) {
}

I don’t like backend programming, forms are a nightmare to me, so writing instructions for those with lower mental faculties have to be factored into the “help” tooltips.
<a title="Blah blah blah on how to export them from Outlook to a CSV file, if you don't know how to do this, you shouldn't be on this site!" href="#">Click to import</a>
How about some responsibility shifting?
/*
* Everything went swimmingly well, so send an email to the call centre. It's their problem.
*/

Error messages that should never ever been seen. Well in theory anyway.
echo "<p>Oh deary me.</p>";
echo "<p>It looks like our I.T department have been tinkering, and you're subscription hasn't worked :(</p>";

// check instalments for products with installment option. Yes I know it's spelt wrong!
function checkInstallments() {
}
// check the cart for aerosols, no, it can't be another bodge can it?
function checkAerosol() {
}

Versioning is essential for finding out whose to blame for fuck ups.
/*
* 1 JB 07/05/2008 Changed to work through saleitems and added
* 1.0.1 MH 08/05/2008 Fixed error in v1
* 2 JB 08/05/2008 Fixed error in v1.0.1
* 1.0.2 MH 09/05/2008 Fixed error added in v2(!)
* - Fixed versioning. Stop fucking around
* 1.1.0 MH 09/05/2008 Attempts to reverse JB's lobotomy
* - Gives up & removes JB's permissions instead. Twat.
* - Rewritten. Works properly now.
*/

I inherited a web site from someone I refer to as “Golden Boy” because having a degree means you can do no wrong. Yeah right. From experience I’ve found them to be arrogant fuckers with a sense of importance well above their abilities.
/*
* Date Who Change
* ----------------------------------------------------------------
* 17.02.06 MH The Golden boy fluffs it again.
*/

I’ve been here for nine years, so I’ve trained a few programmers up. Maybe my legendary lack of patience was to blame for some of their fuck ups. The initials have been changed to protect the guilty parties.
/*
* Date Who Change
* 19.10.05 MH Added support for REASON.DAT exported from Artezan.
* 12.08.08 JB Tickled Marc
* 12.08.08 MH Twatted Joe
*/

* 6.6 JB 29/07/2008 Added UPDATE.LOGS sub routine, records email/web offer changes
* 6.61 MH 20/08/2008 Fixed UPDATE.LOGS. Wrong variable written you bellend

* 6.68 MH 13/10/2009 Added bounced back email support.
* - What happened to my v6.66 update? Who's superstitious?

* 3.61 JB 07/11/07 Altered report to display millions
* 3.62 MH 08/11/07 Added the decimal place. "millions" indeed you wazzock!

How to shoot yourself in the foot in 14 programming languages

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible, since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

Modula-2: After realising that you can’t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

DOS (all versions): You finally found the gun, but can’t locate the file with the foot for the life of you.

Ada: If you’re dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, “Shoot at his feet.”

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

APL (alternate): You hear a gunshot, and there’s a hole in your foot, but you don’t remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.

Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting everyone in sight.

dBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you’ve forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

Basic: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Pascal: The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o %rm *.o rm: .O: No such file or directory % ls

SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.

How to shoot yourself in the foot in 14 programming languages

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible, since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

Modula-2: After realising that you can’t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

DOS (all versions): You finally found the gun, but can’t locate the file with the foot for the life of you.

Ada: If you’re dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, “Shoot at his feet.”

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

APL (alternate): You hear a gunshot, and there’s a hole in your foot, but you don’t remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.

Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting everyone in sight.

dBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you’ve forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

Basic: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Pascal: The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o %rm *.o rm: .O: No such file or directory % ls

SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.