The bleeding obvious. A guide for the public from a paramedic

There are certain things which should ‘in an ideal world’ be bleeding obvious. If the stupid British public thought about these things, they would never waste the time of the ambulance service again. Unfortunately ‘due to the general stupidity of the British public’ it would appear that they need to have these things explained in simple terms. Us ambulance people aren’t stupid: you waste our time and we’ll waste yours.

CYCLISTS: It is a bad move to treat red traffic lights as a ‘give way’?. They aren’t. They are placed at road junctions in order to stop vehicles colliding with each other at said junction at high speed. If you insist on going through a red traffic light, you are likely to meet a vehicle coming from the left or right at a higher speed than you can manage, and which is far, far heavier than the combined weight of you and your bike. You may even meet one of our ambulances on the way to an emergency call. That’s an ambulance which IS allowed to treat red lights as a give way. You will eventually – come off worst. Count on it. Twat.

ALLERGIES: If you suffer from allergic reactions to certain things, it is a good idea NOT to eat/drink/touch/stroke/sniff these things. For instance, if you have been diagnosed as allergic to peanuts, it is a BAD MOVE to try a few peanuts, just to see if you’re still allergic. One of the hints that you are indeed still allergic is that your throat closes up, and you can’t breathe. That’s a massive clue. If the doctor says you have an allergy, FUCKING BELIEVE HIM. He’s done six years at medical school, and knows what he’s talking about. Probably.

ELDERLY RELATIVES: If you have an elderly aunt/grandma/friend [let’s call her Doris] and you’d like to find out if Doris is still alive, why not pop round to her house and see? If Doris is happy to see you, she’ll open the door and ‘possibly’ invite you in for a cup of tea and a sticky bun. However, if you simply can’t be fucking arsed to visit Doris, and decide to telephone her instead, bear this in mind. Elderly people often have limited mobility, and consequently can’t get to the phone to answer it as quickly as you might like. Give her time, don’t ring off after three rings. AND DON’T RING THE AMBULANCE SERVICE TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB FOR YOU!!

Also, if Doris is a bit deaf, she may not hear the phone ringing, and may not answer the phone. Also, ringing Doris at three o’clock in the fucking morning to see if she fancies a chat is less than fucking sensible. She won’t answer. Normal people, even elderly normal people, are in bed asleep at three o’clock in the morning. The only silly sods who are awake are us ambulance people, and the police. The fire brigade get to sleep on nights, so they don’t fucking count. If we and the police go round to Doris’s house, and break her door down because she’s asleep and isn’t wearing her hearing aid, she is going to be less than fucking impressed with you.

There is another reason why Doris may not be answering the phone. Doris may well consider you an irritating cunt, who rings her when she’s asleep, or when she’s watching Antiques Roadshow, and also never gives her time to get to the fucking phone anyway. She’s also probably ignoring you, and hopes you’ll go away and leave her in peace. Either that or she’s turned her hearing aid off. Granted, Doris may have been dead for a week or so, but, if you’d fucking bothered to go round in the first place, you’d have noticed from the bottles of milk and free papers. Oh – and the smell of course.

HOT AND COLD WEATHER: In the summer it gets hot and sunny, and in the winter it gets cold and damp. It happens every fucking year, and at roughly the same time. So why are you knob ends so fucking surprised when it happens?

Why on earth do you ring the ambulance service to tell us you are hot in July and freezing cold in December? We are, it has to be said – a bit more interested if it’s the other way around, as that could be serious. If you will insist in sitting in the blazing fucking sunshine for hours on end, drinking only alcohol, you will get hotter and hotter, and more and more dehydrated. Then you, or your equally fucking stupid mate/wife/husband/chavvy partner, decide ring us to tell us all about it. You could, of course, do the sensible thing, and go inside out of the sun, and drink some water, but that would require a fucking brain-cell. However if you are female, blonde and in your twenties, and you say you are sun-bathing topless and are very hot, you will most assuredly get the fastest fucking ambulance response since records began.

If you are feeling cold in the winter, put a coat on, or a sweater. Or both. That’s what they are for. You knob. Especially when you are outside, outside is usually colder than inside. Unless you live in a council flat built in the 1970s. If you’re inside and you’re feeing cold, you could turn the heating up a tad, or shut all the windows you opened, because you’ve sat in front of the fucking telly all day smoking dope while watching your shithead friends and family on Jeremy Kyle.

HIGH HEELS ON ICE: Girls, high heeled shoes frequently look great on a girl [depending on the wearer’s legs]. But they tend not to be good for walking on sheet ice in the coldest winter in living memory. Don’t even think about running for a bus. You’ll end up stumbling about like a drunken baby giraffe. And you’ll break your fucking ankle. And your stiletto heel. And lose any vestige of dignity you may have had. On the plus side, it will make those around you convulse with laughter. This will include the ambulance people who are called to treat you, once they’ve stopped laughing at what a stupid bint you are..

YOUNG PERSONS: You of the ‘younger generation’? seem to think that those of us who have been around a bit longer than you, are as fucking stupid as YOU actually are. We are not. We can usually tell when you are lying. Some of us have kids of our own, and consequently have a built-in ‘Bullshit detector’?.

There are things you tell us, in answer to our questions, which are patently untrue and we know this. You can tell us as often as you like that you only had two fucking halves of shandy, and one of them was spiked with something. NOT FUCKING TRUE. We know you actually had seventeen differently-flavoured Bacardi fucking Breezers, and not one of them had an added shot of Rohypnol. The pool of multi-coloured vomit on the floor is a dead giveaway.

Oh, pretending to be unconscious is another one. We can tell you’re fucking faking it. Your fucking left eye which opens every so often to see what’s going on is a clue. So is screwing your eyes shut so tightly that you look to be severely constipated and trying to pass a giant turd. However, we have ways of ascertaining whether or not you really ARE unconscious. And some of them are painful. Very.

Oh you young girls, if you must have an fucking argument with your dopey bling-wearing, backward-hatted, boyfriend, don’t pretend to collapse when you lose the argument. It’s a waste of everyone’s time, including yours. Also some sweaty, horny ambulance man may decide to check if you are really unconscious by rubbing his knuckles between your tits, and that’s liable to start an ‘Is you groping ma biatch’? argument with your twatty, stupid and very white boyfriend.

SUICIDE: If you ring for an ambulance because you are ‘thinking of committing suicide’?, you may as well not bother. This is especially the case when you tell us you have a history of suicide attempts. One day, one of us will ask, with a world weary sigh: ‘Oh yes, and how did you get on?’? We are far more interested in dealing with you, when you’ve made a pretty fair attempt at topping yourself, like shooting yourself in the head, but only just failed. Mainly because it looks good on our Personal Development folder. And also we look really impressive to the casualty nurses, who then want to give a blow-job to a heroic, life-saving ambulance-man. We also don’t give a shit if you’ve read the back of a box of paracetomol, and taken one more tablet in 24 hours than the eight that it recommends. It ain’t gonna kill you, not yet anyway.

ALCOHOL: Drinking alcohol in excess can make you drunk. Fact. Don’t be so fucking surprised when it happens to you or your friend. It can also make you walk funny, and slur your speech. No, you have not had a fucking stroke. You are what we in the medical profession call ‘Pissed’?. No stroke, no heart attack, no mystery virus. Drunk. Got it? Oh, and we aren’t giving you a lift home. Fucking get a cab or walk. Cunt.

Oh yeah, finally, if you are an alcoholic, the doctor probably put you on Antabuse, which makes you feel queasy and throw up if you drink alcohol. So don’t keep drinking alcohol whilst taking Antabuse. You’ll feel queasy and throw up. Alkie twat.

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