Tales from a programmer. Or little things amuse the not so innocent

sleeping-work-cubicle-stressed-office

It’s all change in work at the moment and I’ve felt a little nostalgic about the web site and software I’ve helped write and maintain for nine and half years, so I was looking through some of these programs and noticed my comments and stuff in them, so I’ve collated the least libellous.

At it’s peak, I was in charge of five web sites, one intranet and as well as updating the call centre software. As any developer will tell you, it can be stressful job, it’s not all playing solitaire and Tetris. It’s especially stressful when:

  1. a new feature is asked for with ten minutes notice.
  2. fixing a long standing issue urgently even though it’s been fucked for years
  3. you give a trainee programmer a really simple task to do

So my of dealing with this aggravation has been to take it out in comments, variable names and functions.
/*
* We've come all this way and found bugger all, so let's flag up for the base page
*/

And when the postmen decided to go on strike, we had to write a workaround.
$result_check_whining_posties_are_on_strike = mysql_query("SELECT * FROM config WHERE config_key = 'post_strike_flag'");
And when the marketing department want something rewritten with a few minutes notice…
$result = mysql_query($marketing_pissing_around_again);

function another_fucking_marketing_hack($product_id) {
}

I don’t like backend programming, forms are a nightmare to me, so writing instructions for those with lower mental faculties have to be factored into the “help” tooltips.
<a title="Blah blah blah on how to export them from Outlook to a CSV file, if you don't know how to do this, you shouldn't be on this site!" href="#">Click to import</a>
How about some responsibility shifting?
/*
* Everything went swimmingly well, so send an email to the call centre. It's their problem.
*/

Error messages that should never ever been seen. Well in theory anyway.
echo "<p>Oh deary me.</p>";
echo "<p>It looks like our I.T department have been tinkering, and you're subscription hasn't worked :(</p>";

// check instalments for products with installment option. Yes I know it's spelt wrong!
function checkInstallments() {
}
// check the cart for aerosols, no, it can't be another bodge can it?
function checkAerosol() {
}

Versioning is essential for finding out whose to blame for fuck ups.
/*
* 1 JB 07/05/2008 Changed to work through saleitems and added
* 1.0.1 MH 08/05/2008 Fixed error in v1
* 2 JB 08/05/2008 Fixed error in v1.0.1
* 1.0.2 MH 09/05/2008 Fixed error added in v2(!)
* - Fixed versioning. Stop fucking around
* 1.1.0 MH 09/05/2008 Attempts to reverse JB's lobotomy
* - Gives up & removes JB's permissions instead. Twat.
* - Rewritten. Works properly now.
*/

I inherited a web site from someone I refer to as “Golden Boy” because having a degree means you can do no wrong. Yeah right. From experience I’ve found them to be arrogant fuckers with a sense of importance well above their abilities.
/*
* Date Who Change
* ----------------------------------------------------------------
* 17.02.06 MH The Golden boy fluffs it again.
*/

I’ve been here for nine years, so I’ve trained a few programmers up. Maybe my legendary lack of patience was to blame for some of their fuck ups. The initials have been changed to protect the guilty parties.
/*
* Date Who Change
* 19.10.05 MH Added support for REASON.DAT exported from Artezan.
* 12.08.08 JB Tickled Marc
* 12.08.08 MH Twatted Joe
*/

* 6.6 JB 29/07/2008 Added UPDATE.LOGS sub routine, records email/web offer changes
* 6.61 MH 20/08/2008 Fixed UPDATE.LOGS. Wrong variable written you bellend

* 6.68 MH 13/10/2009 Added bounced back email support.
* - What happened to my v6.66 update? Who's superstitious?

* 3.61 JB 07/11/07 Altered report to display millions
* 3.62 MH 08/11/07 Added the decimal place. "millions" indeed you wazzock!

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