Dear Girls

men_issuesFor too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back! Fuck metrosexual ponces, fuck the “new man” label because they “care”.

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is…..

  • If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat arse down to a gym.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put the bloody thing down.
  • Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
  • Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present… again.
  • Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Saturday = Football. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport.
  • Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!
  • Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don’t work.
  • Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  • Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
  • ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and ‘Mmm’ are perfectly acceptable answers.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Your Mum doesn’t have to be our best friend.
  • Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
  • The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  • Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
  • It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
  • Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
  • The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
  • If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
  • When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
  • If you want some dessert after a meal – have some. You don’t HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don’t say ‘No, I couldn’t/shouldn’t/don’t want any’ and then eat half of mine.
  • Dieting doesn’t work without exercise.
  • If you’re on a diet it doesn’t mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
  • A man’s four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, potatoes and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities – everything else falls under the category ‘garnish’.
  • Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball’s in your court.

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